Volume 54: THE GOOD MAN: Why They Don't Want Your Ass

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

- Sharon Stone

            I had a female friend who once said, “The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men.” Nowadays, man-bashing seems to be the sport of choice; shows stereotyping us as oversexed, indecisive fools who avoid commitment have higher ratings than the NBA Playoffs-as we grow sick and tired of the All Men are Dogs jargon that permeates talk radio shows, R&B songs, movies and Women’s Magazine articles. The only thing worse than reading about a scorned woman’s recollection of her past indiscretions is listening to her and her single friends spout off about the lack of good men, as if they themselves are anywhere near being marriage material. Because many of the brothas out there who speak up for the fellas are concerned with ratings, reputation, and book sales-which mostly come from the African American female population-their words are often watered down for their women readers; implicitly packaged instructions on how to find the one, and not simply the next one. Women went out and bought the Steve Harvey book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, which let sistas into the mindset of a man and both answered questions and gave relationship advice; Advice that can ultimately lead you to the man of your dreams. But did the buyers know that Steve Harvey has been married three times? That’s like buying a book on Maintaining Wealth that was written by Mike Tyson.

            Strangely…naively…people far too often listen to what celebrities and semi-celebrities have to say, without even realizing that celebrity relationships don’t function the same way an Average Joe’s relationship does. They say the number one cause of divorce between couples has to do with money. Money isn’t the primary concern with rich people. It is with the rest of us. It’s hard to be in the mood, when you have an eviction notice taped to your door. There aren’t many romantic evenings on the town with the Mrs. when there’s a boot on the car. There won’t be too many champagne bubble baths when you can’t afford champagne! And time alone with your lady becomes just wishful thinking when you don’t have the $300 weekly daycare fee for the children.

            The bottom line is…sound relationship advice doesn’t come from people with PHD’s or celebrities with overpaid editors. Sound advice doesn’t come from the bitter girlfriend that can’t hold onto a man of her own, or the Momma’s boy who spends his Saturday night dateless and in the basement with a Playstation 3. It is not found in the pages of Cosmo or in the misogynistic lyrics of some mind-numbing Gucci Mane or Lil Wayne track played over and over on BET. It comes from good ol’ fashioned experience and common sense. As a single man (single meaning Not Married), I couldn’t and wouldn’t write a piece on How To Maintain a Healthy Marriage. But for the fellas (and I mean the good fellas) I will respond the attacks on us. I will let the naysayers know that good looking, well groomed, God fearing, ambitious, compassionate, humble, and single men exist in adequate numbers-and there are many of us without kids! As I explained in a previous entry, I no longer had issues finding the right woman, once I looked inward and instead focused on becoming the right man. So…for the sistas that continually bash us, let’s explore some of the top two reasons your ass is still on the market, despite your claims to be the ideal woman:

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes. Some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.  –Cynthia Heimel

THAT FALSE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT- you know, some of the greatest debates take place on facebook and the ensuing comments to user’s statuses. There seems to be an infinite amount of women who have a false sense of entitlement, where they feel as though being a successful woman guarantees them a husband. Companionship is a gift; a gift that even all of God’s people in biblical times weren’t promised. The same way that everyone who owns a degree isn’t promised a great job or a job at all, every good woman who has something to offer (if you let her tell it) will not always be promised a mate. Besides, if everyone were destined to have a marriage partner…there would be an equal amount of men and women on the earth-which is far from the case. Women outnumber us, and with overflowing prisons, black on black crime, and men who’d rather be with another man, finding a husband can be harder than a 500lb woman finding something in the Gucci Store that fits. But sistas…don’t be fooled. The average single man out here doesn’t care about your personal accolades and Ivy League education. Your $300,000 beach-front condo with 800 credit score is great, but the woman who makes $35,000 a year, drives a KIA, treats us like a King and can cook the shit out of a steak has a better chance of receiving a proposal than someone who can multitask corporate deals on her blackberry and do her own taxes. You are not-I repeat-ARE NOT entitled to become someone’s wife because you are successful!

The other woman who kills me is the one who continually passes on all of the good men in her life- from the final week of 7^th grade when the straight A student gathered up the heart to tell her how he felt, to her senior year of college, when the smartest guy in her class offered to take her out in an effort to help her cope with the recent heartbreak of yet another Athlete or Frat

Boy boyfriend. You continually passed on them and chased the bad boy until that one day when you realized you were in your late twenties and everyone else around you traded in a life of club hopping for a life of monogamy as someone’s wife. It was then that you decided that you were tired of the games and wanted something and someone serious.

            Fanny Brice once said, I never liked the men I loved and never loved the men I liked. So now we have the woman who spent close to fifteen years of her life chasing the wrong man, in and out of relationships with counterproductive people…now she wants to settle down. But just as fifteen years of eating nothing but junk food leaves the body changed from what it once was, fifteen years of dating trash leaves anyone a shell of what they once were. So here you are. You still have your looks, but emotionally fragile and emotionally damaged. But she has a false sense of entitlement and feels as though all men should be honored to accept her. Shit, how many fellas out there recently ran into the former love of your life, just to find out that she’s put on 50 lbs, allowed losers to ruin her life, and now has five bad ass kids to show for it? Why would someone “good” be willing to sacrifice what they’ve built to be with you…simply because now you’re single and available and say you’re ready for a relationship? As John Lott so eloquently put it, that’s like buying spoiled milk just because it’s on Sale! (laughing) Whether you’re a highly successful woman, or you were the brain-dead dime-piece of your high school or college class, holding on to faded glory and having a false sense of entitlement will do very little for you, other than give you a front row seat to someone else’s wedding! Take it from a man who sees it all the time.

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe.”   -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

ACCOUNTABILITY- How long will sistas blame men for their inability to find a husband? We hear them say that the white women are taking all the good men. We hear that men are afraid to marry…even though weddings are at an all time high-recession and all. It’s not uncommon to know sistas who relocate from major city to major city, to down south and to the west coast; with every major city comes a variety of new excuses as to why you can’t find someone. First comes the theory that men is New York were dogs, then the men in Philadelphia were too aggressive and didn’t treat you right. Then you moved to D.C and you said that everyone was gay or taken. In North Carolina, you called them nice but said they were “too country” for you. In California, you made fun of how they dressed and called them “corny.”

When does one realize that the common denominator is you?!? Women (and men) must have accountability for their successes as well as failures at love. I’m not gonna front, it is harder for young professionals to find shit to do in some cities, much less find love…but there’s a reason why you are the successful person you are. Use some ingenuity! We can attend HBCU’s with limited resources and come out gainfully educated and employed, but sit back and wait for a miracle lover to drop from the sky. Want a God-fearing man? Take ya ass to church! Why would you spend weekends at club Smack-a-Bitch and then complain about the perspective suitors who attend it? Tired of men only calling when they want sex? Stop being a hoe! (laughing) Do gold-diggers frequent Unemployment Offices in search of their Men/Sponsors? No. Once you accept accountability for your actions, you know what kind of adjustments you need to make in order to stop the pattern of failed relationships. Before you do that, you’re no different than the person who refuses to look for employment or gain education to compete in an evolving world, yet complains about a lack of jobs, inadequate resources, or a racist America where the white man is trying to keep you down. Some people we meet are like the almighty penny…two-faced and worthless…but there are some gems out there. As George Bernard Shaw once said, “If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.”

Knowledge speaks. Wisdom Listens.

“Behind every good man is a good woman and behind that another man

 looking at her ass.”    -Unknown

…These Are The Random Thoughts Of Ronald Gray…

www.thegrayareas.com

Volume 53: Are You In An abusive Relationship?

 When I am asked why a man/woman doesn’t leave the abuser I say: “They stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. They will leave once the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving,” –Rebecca J. Burns, The Last Straw

  Note: Most of us have a religious foundation, whether our beliefs follow the teachings of Christians, Catholics, Muslims, Jews or Buddhists. Some do not directly identify with a particular religious group, however still believe that a Heaven and Hell exists for us once our physical lives have ended. But I believe Hell has a special place reserved for rapists, child molesters, and men who repeatedly abuse and murder women and children. Three weeks ago, Philadelphia Police arrested Ronald Moon, a 28-year old window installer and father of two, and charged him with murdering his live-in girlfriend. Residents in the North Philly neighborhood, Diamond Street near Palenthorpe, complained of a foul odor in an alley that they assumed were dead rats. Henry Riviera, a handyman, had a feeling that the stench was something worse…something much worse.

            Danielle Winston was the girlfriend of Ronald Moon and had been reported missing since December. Police swarmed on the area and found a rotting corpse slumped in a sheet under a garbage bag in the alley next to their house. Her body is believed to have been there since sometime around Christmas. Moon was charged with stabbing his live-in girlfriend to death in their bed shortly after an argument, then busting a hole in the wall and dumping her body into the cold alley. In a sick twist, he then slept in the same bloody bed every night for nearly four months, inches away from her body. Moon then lit incense every day to cover up the smell. Of course with the changing weather, the smells grew stronger and people feared the worse. The medical examiner’s office determined that the rotting corpse belonged to 32-year-old Danielle Winston, who had been missing since December.

            A neighbor confirmed that Moon had a history of attacking Winston. Winston wisely had filed a Protection Order against him after he attacked her last November, but unwisely must have reneged on her decision and continued the turbulent relationship. Moon had once bashed her head in with a crowbar, and left her with a gash requiring 22 stitches. During November’s incident, which led to the protection from abuse order, Moon had choked her repeatedly until she passed out. When she awoke, Moon stood over her yelling, “Get up bitch! You ain’t dead yet!”

            Winston was a certified nursing assistant, who was described as someone caught up with the wrong man. Ironically, after her murder, Moon had been dating a new woman for the past month from the same neighborhood. Yes…I truly believe that hell has a special place for people like Ronald Moon.

            The tragic tale of Danielle Winston is a common conclusion to the abuse that women suffer at the hands of an insecure, controlling and unstable man. I spoke to a female friend of mine about this loss of a promising life and wondered if there was something that could have been done to prevent such a thing.  I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, nor have I ever raised my hand to a woman. So is there a foolproof way for women to avoid becoming victims of abuse? Likely not. However, as it is such with most of life’s perilous situations, one can often avoid problems if one can recognize the warning signs. Recognizing warning signs in relationships can be much more complex for some than others…especially when it comes to abuse. Why? Well…because a man with a propensity for violence doesn’t enlighten you to his past during the first date over filet minion.  They will often practice restraint on their past urges early on and appear quite normal-if not downright charming. I mean, no woman would continue to date the man who punched her in the face at The Olive Garden on the first date. Abusers are oftentimes subtle and their actions gradually increase in intensity and frequency.

“The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” –Gloria Steinmen

            I’m no doctor, but I believe that the intuitive person can recognize many of the signs early on. Most abuse comes from the insatiable need to control. People use physical, mental and emotional abuse to control a particular person…or sometimes a family of people. Abusers prey on the fear of others. Without fear, a menacing person who intimidates through force is simply reduced to some idiot aimlessly bitching and screaming about something. People have attained power and maintained control through fear for as long as anyone can remember. Republicans used fear to get a mindless president in office and keep him reelected. They used America’s fear of the unknown (terrorists) to allow them to put faith in a man who had his own selfish agenda. The abusive man follows the same blueprint. Abusers aren’t only selfish; deep within exists a great wall of insecurity. Warning signs? Phase One of Operation: Abuse That Ass is that he will often attempt to eliminate your friends. It will not come in the form of him saying to you, “Baby…I think you should get rid of all ya friends and only confide in me.”

No. Remember it’s subtle. The abusive male will plant seeds of doubt. He’ll claim that he doesn’t trust your male friends; He’ll tell you that your girlfriends talk about you and are jealous of you. (Many women are one argument away from severing ties with most friends anyway) He will tell you that your family is meddling in your relationship too much and are destroying what you two are trying to build. Profound love/lust/delusion can often cause people to believe the bullshit. The abused will now think, Everyone’s tryna break me and (insert ghetto name here) up. They’re just jealous because they’re still single! They aren’t my real friends! Then it becomes easier to sever ties with everyone-which is exactly what the abusive man wants. Once he breaks that support system…it becomes very difficult to ever leave.

            Every type of person has something that they do early on to raise an eyebrow and let us know that it’s a prerequisite of what to expect from their ass. He spends 4 hours guessing passwords to hack into your facebook account and reads all 400 messages in your inbox?!? Run for the hills! If someone can do that…they can go through your phone. If they will go through your phone…they can possible follow you or show up somewhere unannounced. If someone can show up unannounced…they can likely make a scene and embarrass the shit out of you! If someone can willingly and frequently embarrass the shit out of you (and themselves) publicly, there are no boundaries to what their crazy ass will do! If someone doesn’t mind public humiliation, then what goes on behind closed doors can be much worse.

            Abuse starts will arguments, humiliation and insecurity. It progresses to a shove and mental degradation. Then it graduates to a left jab, followed by a right hook! A man who puts his hands on a female-any female-is a weak individual, attempting to role reverse the hand he’s dealt. He doesn’t deserve the gift of companionship and certainly not the rare jewel of a good woman. Fuck each and every one of them… Just my two cents (shrugs)

A Nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to fear. The traitor is the plague.”

             -Sunday

…These Are The Random Thoughts Of Ronald Gray…

http://www.thegrayareas.com/

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