Volume 29: The "Wifey" and The "Side Jawn"

“You want me to act like we’ve never kissed, you want to forget; pretend we’ve never met, and I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I haven’t yet… you walk by, and I fall to pieces.”   -Patsy Cline Quotes


            I was at a Comedy Show about a week ago, and one of the comedians stated something in his routine that made me laugh. He said that he had just broken up with his girl and the last thing she said to him was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” He said that he started thinking to himself, Bitch…I should nope not! If I didn’t want you…why would I want someone like you???”

            Today I was laughing to myself about some recent conversations I had with some friends; the ongoing debate of THE WIFEY V.S. THE SIDE JAWN. Now some of you who aren’t from Philly would ask, “What the hell is a jawn?” Well, although not found in the standard dictionary or thesaurus, it’s an all-purpose pronoun originated in Philadelphia.  “Jawn” is alias for the word “thing”, meaning an item/object of some sort. Categories of jawn when used, often refers also to a female (Side Jawn=chick of the side, Old Head Jawn=an older woman, Big Jawn=a fat girl, Young jawn= a younger woman, Dumb Jawn= a na├»ve or absent-minded woman). Overhearing a conversation between two Philadelphia natives will often sound like this:


Mike: “Yo! Did you see that fight on HBO last week?”

Steve: “Yeah, that jawn was hot!”

Mike:Wassup with that thick Jawn we saw at the club? The one you were talkin’ to”

Steve:The jawn with the fat ass??! Yeah, that jawn had a Haitian accent.”

Mike: “I heard them Haitians jawns are crazy as shit!”


            Now, the purpose of this thought is to explore “The Wifey” and “The Side Jawn”, how to distinguish one from the other-and how does one determine who deserves to be which. The term “wifey” is defined as a potential wife, a girlfriend; the one who does wife-like things. She cooks, cleans, and does laundry. She’s the one you trust. The “Side Jawn” is defined as the girl or guy that you have relations with on the side of your real relationship-but you wouldn’t want your main jawn to know anything about. Sounds pretty simple, huh? Well let’s break it down real simple:

The Main Jawn? He/She gets taken to restaurants in Center City. The Side Jawn? He/She has to order from the Drive Thru Menu at Wendy’s…no supersize! The Main Jawn? He/She gets introduced to friends and family. The Side Jawn? Has to enter through the back door and will never know what your friends…or the front of your house/Apartment looks like. The Main Jawn? Can get a massage after sex and can fall asleep in your arms overnight. The Side Jawn? Has to get the hell up and leave!

            Usually females refer to their stable of potentials as their “roster” and all Basketball fans know…every roster has a Franchise Player. This franchise player would be known as her “Main Jawn.” Besides him, the team is comprised of its addition of guys that come off the bench when the coach feels the Franchise Player needs a rest, cannot play, or isn’t performing to their expectations. The “Side Jawns” are hopefuls, waiting for their opportunity at superstardom. Many desire to be “the go to guy” on the team. Very few are satisfied with their current position, and desire more time in the game. Overcoming that role with a Female is tough; because once you’re a side jawn, there is no promotion! There is no side jawn-who through hard work and merit…eventually becomes a Franchise Player!

            It is fact that no one envisions them self in the role of a side jawn. Every brotha wants to be viewed by the woman as the franchise player, and every sista wants to be wifey. In a perfect world, that would be fine. Every woman out there, regardless of her perfect imperfections, would find the perfect man…and then he would sweep them off their feet and they’d drive away in his silver Range Rover to his private estate to live happily ever after, right? Sounds Good. But in the real world…everyone woman isn’t meant to be wifey…and every man isn’t worthy of being the Franchise Player. Every brotha is not deemed worthy of the time of a positive, successful woman. If you continually find yourself being someone’s #2, here are some of the things that may be keeping you from being taken more seriously:


PERHAPS YOUR UNREALISTIC-when it comes to dating, I always say there is never room for hypocrisy. Women and Men who go about it with unrealistic expectations are bound to be solo…and confined to a life of being the “Side Jawn.” Sistas who are 4’11, say that a man who wants to date them has to be at least 6’1. The man with the protruding stomach, who never works out, wants the sista with the perfect body he sees on TV. The poorest Sistas with terrible credit scores are quick to clown a man who doesn’t have money. She’s as broke as a $2 wristwatch and can’t buy her own drinks on a Saturday night, but she feels as though she’s too good for the Postal Worker. When she finds her “Baller”, it’s no surprise that she’s never Wifey…but yet confined to a life of backseat backshots as…The Side Jawn.


PERHAPS YOU’RE CRAZY-It sounds like a mean thing to say, but some people are just plain ol’ CRAZY. I mean reaaaaaally crazy! Like…sitting in the park by them selves, cursing at pigeons CRAZY! Crazy women don’t get to meet the parents, ladies and gentleman. You really shouldn’t even be sleeping with crazy people, but I guess that’s another blog…

It’s common sense, but starting a relationship with a crazy male or female is a recipe for disaster. I recall a quote that states, “Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit they are crazy.”

If you find yourself continually spazzing out and displaying symptoms of a Schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder, then perhaps that is the reason you’re the side jawn.


PERCEPTION-Perception is everything. The way you talk, the way you dress, the things you say, as well as the non-verbal communications. Females can sense insecurity in our posture; Men can easily pick up on a female’s overconfidence. The vibe that we give off, ultimately decide how people will react to us. If you give off the perception that you’re a whore-that’s how we’ll treat you. There are no exceptions. Fellas, if you appear to be an idiot, she will attempt to dance circles around you. Everything comes down to perception.


PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED, BUT NO FUTURE WITH THEM- Ladies often laugh to themselves about the random guy they know, who has the body of a Spartan Warrior…with the appeal of Napoleon Dynamite. Or perhaps his career choice of an aspiring rapper and part time drug trafficker make it difficult to take him seriously. Far too often here in this city, a man’s eyes will fall upon the sista with the million-dollar body…and the ten-cent face! We become physically attracted to these people, but quickly realize that there’s no future. Sometimes it’s a technical mismatch, where your minds are just in two different places. You’re looking to settle down, and they can’t stay outta the clubs. Sometimes the right people come into your life, at the wrong time. Sometimes the wrong people emerge at the right time. I myself had a tendency to meet sistas who were holding on to the pain from previous relationships.

At times we meet people and THEY’RE SIMPLY JUST NOT RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL- relationships aren’t for everyone. Some people simply don’t want to deal with the responsibilities of relationships and instead choose to have the friend with benefits or the occasional jump off. Sometimes it’s for the best.

Today’s thought for the day:


“A person must be big enough to admit their mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them.”


 …These Are The Random Thoughts of Ronald Gray