“It is better to be told a hurtful truth than to be told a comforting lie. In the end, the truth will make its way out and will hurt much more than it ever had to. –Unknown
Why do us men lie? Someone once told me that the bad ones lie to get in your bed, and the good ones lie to get in your heart. I think the worst thing about being lied to, is knowing that the person thought you weren’t worth the truth.
My 4th of July festivities came with some disturbing news. Sports fans all over the world learned of the death of former NFL Quarterback Steve McNair.
I was first informed of his being shot to death from one of my frat brothers. Steve McNair was also a member of my fraternity, Omega Psi Phi-and was a prominent member who was known for making our fraternity hand gestures on live television after every completed touchdown pass.
It was such a popular thing seen from him, that many people began mimicking it-not knowing that it was a gesture to his fraternity brothers.
Although I had never met Steve McNair in person, I always heard great things about him-most notably his preeminent courage on and off the field. I was shocked when I learned about the 36 year old NFL player found shot to death in a downtown Nashville Condo with a 20 year old girl found dead next to him. I immediately figured he was caught doing something wrong. It sounded like a familiar tale that we hear about; McNair was married with 4 children. The other victim, Sahel Kazemi, was a waitress working at Dave & Buster’s…where they met six months ago. When I heard about McNair found dead along with a woman so young (when he’s married) at a condo he rented along with a friend of his…I just shook my head and thought, Damn…sounds like the jump-off got him killed.
There were two initial theories that we drew from the double homicide. The first was some sort of organized robbery of McNair, which let to the killer shooting both witnesses. The other theory that we came up with was a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend of the girl killing them both in a testosterone filled rage. No man would be happy about some NFL jock laying the pipe to his woman. There were plenty of females; their initial responses to McNair’s murder were, “that’s what he gets for cheating on his wife” or comments like “He’s a Que and Ques are always cheating.” Fraternity men do in fact have a negative stigma for cheating; even members like myself have been stereotyped and profiled as a dog prior to knowledge of who I truly am. There have been reports of infidelity in the media from many prominent members of my fraternity in the Past.
Jesse Jackson had children from an affair, Michael Jordan had cheated on his wife, Shaquille O’ Neil and his wife played several rounds of the cheating game, Ahmad Rashad is best known within female circles as the man who left Felecia Rashad for another woman…all members of Omega Psi Phi. I continually explain to women that a man’s initiation into our fraternity does not grant a license to cheat on women-but rather their behavior was more than likely the end result of years of promiscuity.
My heart was with McNair’s wife and family.
They had been married since 1997 and even though all couples have their share of problems behind closed doors, McNair appeared the family man in the public eye. Somehow the media obtained information that McNair and Kazemi had met and exchanged numbers six months ago when she was 19, and working at Dave and Buster’s. For her 20th birthday, McNair bought her a black Escalade.
They said Kazemi used to drive around in his Bentley and tell family and friends about the generosity of her new boyfriend. Wow…definitely sounds like the infantile bragging of a “side jawn”. My initial theory of a killing by a boyfriend or jealous ex soon began to change when the media released even more information. Steve had been shot 4 times; twice in the chest and twice in the head. The side jawn was shot once on the side of the head and a gun was found under her-almost as if she shot him…then shot herself and fell on top of it. There was no forced entry and McNair was sitting on a couch. It sounded like a “side jawn” that possibly wanted to upgrade to “wifey” status and went crazy.
During our conversation about it, one person theorized that maybe the wife found out he was messin’ around and killed them both. I didn’t buy into that theory because I don’t think a woman would have thought to place the gun under a victim to make it look like a suicide. Usually crimes of rage and anger are left with a ton of evidence. People make the dumbest mistakes when they’re angry. There were no divorce papers filed between Steve and his wife; the only thing the media had was that the couple put their $3 million home on the market for sale-but when you’re rich…that can be normal. So…could the side chick possibly have lost her mind and killed a sports figure? To be honest…I dunno. She was described as a “Happy girl that loved to have fun and wanted to become famous.” I’m not sure if that would make much sense to kill your meal ticket. She was arrested on a DUI charge on Thursday. The vehicle was stopped and somehow the Police allowed her to take a cab home. Must be nice. The SUV was registered in McNair’s and Kazemi’s name. Wow. Now if she is in fact just the side jawn…you definitely don’t register items in both your names. (shaking my head) Friends of Kazemi said that she believed McNair was in the process of divorcing. McNair told her the whole divorce was gonna be done...two weeks from yesterday. Of course the media found out that wasn’t true. Womp Womp to all the dumb side jawns who believe that shit!
Steve met his wife while he was at Alcorn State. She ended up earning her nursing degree at Belmont University and ended up working for him. She’d wrap his ankles, knees, ribs etc. and would play nurse while at home or during the off-season. It brought a smile to my face to hear about a sista who was holding her own. A woman who had her own education and her own career path and goals-not just someone whos sole claim to fame was rationing out the ass to the highest bidder. So…what exactly is it that makes women on the side believe that they can compete with the wife? And eventually take a man from his wife? I always tell people that you can never take someone from another. On my best day, I could never take another man’s girl. She has to leave. Is it arrogance or just plain ol’ stupidity that make us believe that we are that big of a deal? Ann Landers once said, “If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you’ll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.”
So…what makes a man cheat? In one word: WOMEN. Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls…because they can! When women cheat, it’s usually to fill a void in the relationship. Perhaps the sex is bad, perhaps you’re not spending enough time with her or smothering her. Perhaps you disrespect her. Perhaps you’re physically letting yourself go. With the ladies, it seems as though cheating is usually emotional and with Men it’s physical. When a woman cheats, the man she’s cheating with is filling some type of void…physical or emotional. A Man can have a gorgeous wife, someone who cooks like a chef, with wisdom beyond her years, and can fuck like a sex goddess…but will cheat with an uneducated, bad weave wearing, Neanderthal of a woman-simply because she has a fat ass! It’s usually carnal. There are many women who cheat for carnal reasons as well, but usually it’s because of something that we aren’t doing as men. Liars never lose your trust because they never had it. In closing, I wanted to leave the sistas will some uplifting words. This is what Oprah had to say about Men:
“If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because a man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t be “friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by different women He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important that you are…even if he has more education or a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. All men are not dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two way street.” -Oprah Winfrey
Now… to myself, and most of the folk reading this…that’s common sense. Sadly, it’s taken many women years of heartbreak and promiscuity to attain that bit of knowledge on life and relationships. In McNair’s case, it shows that some of us pay the ultimate sacrifice for the things that we do in and out of our relationships. (sigh) That situation is exactly why I’m constantly evaluating the people I keep around me as I continue to evolve as a person. As men, we should be very mindful of how we treat these ladies, and stay away from the emotionally unstable ones…and the hood-ass ones. It was unfortunate to hear about the tragic killing of my frat brother…but perhaps it can serve as a wake up call to many others who are in the same situation as we speak.
Be safe, ladies and gentleman…
…These Are The Random Thoughts of Ronald Gray…