Volume 54: THE GOOD MAN: Why They Don't Want Your Ass

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
- Sharon Stone

            I had a female friend who once said, “The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men.” Nowadays, man-bashing seems to be the sport of choice; shows stereotyping us as oversexed, indecisive fools who avoid commitment have higher ratings than the NBA Playoffs-as we grow sick and tired of the All Men are Dogs jargon that permeates talk radio shows, R&B songs, movies and Women’s Magazine articles. The only thing worse than reading about a scorned woman’s recollection of her past indiscretions is listening to her and her single friends spout off about the lack of good men, as if they themselves are anywhere near being marriage material. Because many of the brothas out there who speak up for the fellas are concerned with ratings, reputation, and book sales-which mostly come from the African American female population-their words are often watered down for their women readers; implicitly packaged instructions on how to find the one, and not simply the next one. Women went out and bought the Steve Harvey book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, which let sistas into the mindset of a man and both answered questions and gave relationship advice; Advice that can ultimately lead you to the man of your dreams. But did the buyers know that Steve Harvey has been married three times? That’s like buying a book on Maintaining Wealth that was written by Mike Tyson.
            Strangely…naively…people far too often listen to what celebrities and semi-celebrities have to say, without even realizing that celebrity relationships don’t function the same way an Average Joe’s relationship does. They say the number one cause of divorce between couples has to do with money. Money isn’t the primary concern with rich people. It is with the rest of us. It’s hard to be in the mood, when you have an eviction notice taped to your door. There aren’t many romantic evenings on the town with the Mrs. when there’s a boot on the car. There won’t be too many champagne bubble baths when you can’t afford champagne! And time alone with your lady becomes just wishful thinking when you don’t have the $300 weekly daycare fee for the children.
            The bottom line is…sound relationship advice doesn’t come from people with PHD’s or celebrities with overpaid editors. Sound advice doesn’t come from the bitter girlfriend that can’t hold onto a man of her own, or the Momma’s boy who spends his Saturday night dateless and in the basement with a Playstation 3. It is not found in the pages of Cosmo or in the misogynistic lyrics of some mind-numbing Gucci Mane or Lil Wayne track played over and over on BET. It comes from good ol’ fashioned experience and common sense. As a single man (single meaning Not Married), I couldn’t and wouldn’t write a piece on How To Maintain a Healthy Marriage. But for the fellas (and I mean the good fellas) I will respond the attacks on us. I will let the naysayers know that good looking, well groomed, God fearing, ambitious, compassionate, humble, and single men exist in adequate numbers-and there are many of us without kids! As I explained in a previous entry, I no longer had issues finding the right woman, once I looked inward and instead focused on becoming the right man. So…for the sistas that continually bash us, let’s explore some of the top two reasons your ass is still on the market, despite your claims to be the ideal woman:

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes. Some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.  –Cynthia Heimel

THAT FALSE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT- you know, some of the greatest debates take place on facebook and the ensuing comments to user’s statuses. There seems to be an infinite amount of women who have a false sense of entitlement, where they feel as though being a successful woman guarantees them a husband. Companionship is a gift; a gift that even all of God’s people in biblical times weren’t promised. The same way that everyone who owns a degree isn’t promised a great job or a job at all, every good woman who has something to offer (if you let her tell it) will not always be promised a mate. Besides, if everyone were destined to have a marriage partner…there would be an equal amount of men and women on the earth-which is far from the case. Women outnumber us, and with overflowing prisons, black on black crime, and men who’d rather be with another man, finding a husband can be harder than a 500lb woman finding something in the Gucci Store that fits. But sistas…don’t be fooled. The average single man out here doesn’t care about your personal accolades and Ivy League education. Your $300,000 beach-front condo with 800 credit score is great, but the woman who makes $35,000 a year, drives a KIA, treats us like a King and can cook the shit out of a steak has a better chance of receiving a proposal than someone who can multitask corporate deals on her blackberry and do her own taxes. You are not-I repeat-ARE NOT entitled to become someone’s wife because you are successful!
The other woman who kills me is the one who continually passes on all of the good men in her life- from the final week of 7th grade when the straight A student gathered up the heart to tell her how he felt, to her senior year of college, when the smartest guy in her class offered to take her out in an effort to help her cope with the recent heartbreak of yet another Athlete or Frat

Boy boyfriend. You continually passed on them and chased the bad boy until that one day when you realized you were in your late twenties and everyone else around you traded in a life of club hopping for a life of monogamy as someone’s wife. It was then that you decided that you were tired of the games and wanted something and someone serious.
            Fanny Brice once said, I never liked the men I loved and never loved the men I liked. So now we have the woman who spent close to fifteen years of her life chasing the wrong man, in and out of relationships with counterproductive people…now she wants to settle down. But just as fifteen years of eating nothing but junk food leaves the body changed from what it once was, fifteen years of dating trash leaves anyone a shell of what they once were. So here you are. You still have your looks, but emotionally fragile and emotionally damaged. But she has a false sense of entitlement and feels as though all men should be honored to accept her. Shit, how many fellas out there recently ran into the former love of your life, just to find out that she’s put on 50 lbs, allowed losers to ruin her life, and now has five bad ass kids to show for it? Why would someone “good” be willing to sacrifice what they’ve built to be with you…simply because now you’re single and available and say you’re ready for a relationship? As John Lott so eloquently put it, that’s like buying spoiled milk just because it’s on Sale! (laughing) Whether you’re a highly successful woman, or you were the brain-dead dime-piece of your high school or college class, holding on to faded glory and having a false sense of entitlement will do very little for you, other than give you a front row seat to someone else’s wedding! Take it from a man who sees it all the time.

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe.”   -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

ACCOUNTABILITY- How long will sistas blame men for their inability to find a husband? We hear them say that the white women are taking all the good men. We hear that men are afraid to marry…even though weddings are at an all time high-recession and all. It’s not uncommon to know sistas who relocate from major city to major city, to down south and to the west coast; with every major city comes a variety of new excuses as to why you can’t find someone. First comes the theory that men is New York were dogs, then the men in Philadelphia were too aggressive and didn’t treat you right. Then you moved to D.C and you said that everyone was gay or taken. In North Carolina, you called them nice but said they were “too country” for you. In California, you made fun of how they dressed and called them “corny.”
When does one realize that the common denominator is you?!? Women (and men) must have accountability for their successes as well as failures at love. I’m not gonna front, it is harder for young professionals to find shit to do in some cities, much less find love…but there’s a reason why you are the successful person you are. Use some ingenuity! We can attend HBCU’s with limited resources and come out gainfully educated and employed, but sit back and wait for a miracle lover to drop from the sky. Want a God-fearing man? Take ya ass to church! Why would you spend weekends at club Smack-a-Bitch and then complain about the perspective suitors who attend it? Tired of men only calling when they want sex? Stop being a hoe! (laughing) Do gold-diggers frequent Unemployment Offices in search of their Men/Sponsors? No. Once you accept accountability for your actions, you know what kind of adjustments you need to make in order to stop the pattern of failed relationships. Before you do that, you’re no different than the person who refuses to look for employment or gain education to compete in an evolving world, yet complains about a lack of jobs, inadequate resources, or a racist America where the white man is trying to keep you down. Some people we meet are like the almighty penny…two-faced and worthless…but there are some gems out there. As George Bernard Shaw once said, “If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.”
Knowledge speaks. Wisdom Listens.

“Behind every good man is a good woman and behind that another man
 looking at her ass.”    -Unknown

…These Are The Random Thoughts Of Ronald Gray…