Volume 31: If RON were President...

“A Presidents hardest task is not to do what is right, but to know what is right.”  

-Lyndon Baines Johnson


            Virtually everyone knows that the President of the United States is the head of state and head of government, and is the highest political official in the U.S by influence and recognition. Among other powers and responsibilities, Article II of the U.S constitution charges the president to “faithfully execute” federal law, makes him commander in chief of the armed forces, and enables him to grant pardons or reprieves. The president is the most powerful figure in the free world. Imagine what it would be like to have such power. What kinds of things would American citizens have to expect, and what laws would be implemented if Ron were president?


            If Ron were president, he would do away with all forms of Niggerdom. Why? Because they’re just plain ol’ stupid! I’m not calling it stupid because it’s prevalent among minorities. I’m calling it stupid because it’s stupid. “Niggerdom” is usually described in the urban community as of or relating to actions of African Americans. Personally? I define niggerdom as the actions of African Americans that make us look stupid and set us back about 500 years- regardless of how cool it’s perceived to be. Need an example?

            In 2008, Asanti, a company that makes and sells rims, created the most expensive rims in the world. They were 63,000 carats, made from cubic zirconium, and cost $250,000! I guess they wanted to outdo themselves in 2009, because at a recent auto show they displayed the new and improved Asanti rims. 22-inch rims with 110,000 carets of genuine gemstones-retailing for $1,000,000. These rims are probably custom made for Rappers, NBA and NFL players, who will be contributing to the ever-growing forms of niggerdom in the U.S. If I were President… any man or woman who took part in niggified activities by purchasing these, would be run over by the car that these were found on-and then have that car parallel park on their face!

            You know that female friend we all have-who has the $1,200 designer Gucci bag, with no money in it? And that male we all know-with the $350 Prada shoes, while his savings account boasts a negative balance? Under the Presidency of Ronald Gray, the perpetrators of these acts would be sent to work at the Third World country that these designer clothes are made at. Their spending habits and random displays of niggerosity are sure to be rectified once they’re subjected to the extreme conditions of poverty- working 14 hours days in the blistering heat on a sewing machine for  $2 an hour.

            If I were president, I would bring back the natural order of things; I would call things exactly as I see them. I was at a Burger King drive thru a few days ago, and surveyed the illustrations of the order menu. I laughed to myself at one of the options; a Triple Cheeseburger with bacon, affectionately named the Baconator. 

As President, I’d call shit how I see it. Imagine coming to your favorite fast food spot and a #3 was called “The Heart Attack Sandwich.” Triple Cheeseburgers would be known as “The Fat-ass Burger.” I laughed to myself at the thought of being in control of what consumers see and hear. We’ve all heard comedians tell jokes about overweight Americans who purchase super-stacked burgers with large fries, while making pathetic attempts to negate their lunches shaving years off their lives with a diet soda of their choice! Why even bother…

            We all know that people who are convicted of sex crimes must register with a Sex Offender’s List-a sex offender database and website that is accessible to the public, so that they know where these offenders reside. Imagine…If I were President, I’d create a law that stated that those who have contracted any type of STD would have to register on a similar site! I’d give the public access to know which men and woman were walking around with their diseased sexual organs in our neighborhoods! A conversation among friends could sound like this:

Ron: “Yo, what ever happened to that girl you were talkin’ to? I haven’t seen you with her in a while.”

David: “Yooooo….I checked that Sex Offender STD site…and her face came up!”

Ron: “Ohhhhh shit! Word?!?”

David: “Yes! She was charged with aggravated herpes back in 2006! “

Ron: “Yeah, man…you cant get rid of that shit!”

David: “Her ass is cut off! I’m doin’ a search in my neighborhood now…gotta know who’s living around you.”

Ron: “Yooo…remember that jawn I told you I just met the other day? Can you search her name for me?”

David: “I’ll get on it right now!”


Did I miss something? When did all the Ugly People in this country suddenly get so full of themselves and start walking around as if they were the winning contestants on a season of America’s Next Top Model?

            When did black women lose their ability to say “please” and “thank you?” They say chivalry is dead, but when did it become cool for a man to hold doors open for women, and have them walk right on through without saying “thank you?” I’m confused. Do I look like the bellhop at the Marriott? They just walk on by…with their stank-ass attitudes, as though I get paid to hold doors. Perhaps if the fellas start letting those heavy glass doors go in their faces…perhaps chivalry will once again be appreciated.

            As a U.S. President, I’d also devote my time and energy to saving Americans from such trending Atrocities like:


CELEBRITY SEX TAPES- nobody wants to see Paris Hilton sucking dick in a camcorder’s night vision option or Ray-J’s dick. Now we have Hoopz and Rihanna setting women back with their latest sloreish escapades.

THE NAPPY HEADED CELEB- Am I the only one who’s noticed Jay-Z’s hair as of late? Whether in the latest VIBE magazine article or courtside at a Cavs or Lakers game, one thing has been evident. Jay has been rockin’ a nappy ass head! Now ordinarily, I’d care less about what someone does with their hair and the lack of dignity it takes to go out publicly that way. But Jay-Z and Kanye West are trendsetters; people young and old wear what they endorse, and mimic their lifestyles. So…we witnessed the re-emergence of Mohawks on black kids and the creepy skinny jean movement. Will Kanye have black kids rockin’ shags? Will Jay-Z have men carrying themselves with the grooming of a field slave?

            If I were president and made the rules, only people with real jobs would be able to have BLACKBERRY PHONES. If you do not have a job where you need constant access to email, then you do not need a blackberry! If you don’t have an email address, or you check yours so little that your inbox always has at least 400 unread messages, your ass doesn’t need one! The local drug dealer does not need to have a blackberry! The cashier at Cold Stone Ice Cream shop does not need a blackberry. If you do not have a car…then you do not need Bluetooth wireless earpieces! The freshman in high school, hopping off the train, looks like a crazy man talking to himself with a Bluetooth earpiece in his ear. Stop it!


Totally random, but I hate DRUG DEALERS. I think that drug dealers, no matter how much money they make in their shortened life spans, are the dumbest individuals on the planet. I mean, everyone knows that drug dealers always wind up dead or in jailand yet they do it anyway! I mean…you’ve gotta be a true moron to be a drug dealer. A drug dealer’s mentality is like “Yo…fuck that. I ain’t gonna be sittin’ here bussin’ my ass for no $12 an hour! Imma make this money!” But they always get locked up…and then…they’re sitting in a maximum-security prison, working in the kitchen…for 40 cents an hour! If I were president, I would allow the arresting officer to beat their ass and just take the money! I mean, he didn’t earn it anyway…fuck em! LOL I guess I have an issue with people who are naive enough to think that you can just skate your way through this thing called life. How many people out there know retired drug dealers? How many drug dealers go “Well…I’ve been selling drugs for about 30 years now. I have plenty in my 401K saved up…perhaps it’s time for me to retire.” And then a bunch of other drug dealers get together and bring a cake over to the corner he works on and wishes him luck in his future endeavors. No. You either go to jail and come home penniless or you die! And yet, people are still so lazy and so hopeless that they still do it. (sigh)

            Among the ranks of the stupid are the parents of drug dealers. How the fuck do you have a teenage son selling drugs and you have no idea?!? He has no job, but yet he’s always dressed well, has a cell phone and drives a 2009 BMW 5 series! Wtf?!? And then once the cops cart their worthless children away in police cars during the walk of shame…they stare into the Channel 6 News cameras with the uneasy look on their faces and say “I never knew…he’s such a good boy. I had no idea. He gets good grades in school.” Sorry Mom and Dad…in order for Wakeem to get good grades, he has to GO to school first! (shaking my head)


…Thank God I’m not President…


…These are the Random Thoughts of Ronald Gray…