When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we’re still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on and
on-series polygamy-until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.” -Tom Robbins
Last week, while searching for something of substance to listen to, I came across the topic of discussion on a popular Philadelphia radio talk show. The male host posed a question to the masses-comprised mostly of African American females: “Why is a good man so hard to find?”
I immediately laughed to myself at the thought of some of the responses that would begin to flood the airwaves. I thought about the diverse array of women who would be calling in. Women ranging from the well cultured and highly intelligent, to the ill-tempered sistas, who resort to man-bashing to cope with the aftereffects of years of bad choices & promiscuity. Minutes later I received a phone call from a friend and avid reader of my blog, thegrayareas.com- who happened to be listening in to the talk radio show. She was debating whether to call in herself and give her two cents on the issue. Her story was one that many of us have heard over and over: Educated, hard working sista hurt badly by a man. After years of dealing with the frustration of finding a suitable companion, she is now reduced to the role of The Angry Black Woman-who now believes that all the good men are either taken, dead, gay or in jail. “Well, if he’s in jail…I doubt that he’s a good man,” I quipped.
She turned serious for a moment. She asked, “Why is it that I can never find the right man? How can I find the right man?” I then told her, “Never worry about finding the right man. Instead, concentrate on becoming the right woman. When you’ve accomplished that…everything else will become inevitably clear.”
We’ve all been there…bitching about not being able to find the right counterpart. In reality, many people complaining about it still aren’t ready to meet their Mister or Misses Right. I asked her if she truly thought that a “good man” is hard to find. She responded with a resounding “Hell Yes.” Then I asked her if she thought I was a good man. She said absolutely. “See how easy that was?” I asked. Sistas often act as though we’re some kind of endangered species, but I believe there are ample amounts of good men and women around us. Sadly, we’re brainwashed by television, relationship gurus, and our single friends who don’t know shit…about what they’re supposed to look like and what they should have. So then she asked me the question that I hate to hear coming: “What is it about me that attracts assholes?”
See, this is a difficult question, because there are things in us that attract and repel a particular type of person. To the sistas who feel as though they do not attract “good” men, first ask yourself…are you approachable?
Philadelphia is a large city, and large cities are filled with aggressive people. Have you seen that sista who is simply radiant, but has that icy stare and hate filled disposition?
What good man in his right mind feels like breaking out the mental chisel and tearing down that wall? But I’ll tell you who wouldn’t mind dealing with those cat and mouse games. A brotha who has nothing to lose and virtually nothing going for himself will jump at that opportunity. So…enter Shafiq, the 29-year old professional weed dealer with the 7th grade education and 3 neglected children. I realized that men who sistas classify as “losers” are some of the most bold people on the planet. They will approach any and every woman they see. They will get shot down nine hundred and ninety nine times a day, but it’s all about the one woman who says “yes.”
Once I noticed the patterns of wrong women that were coming into my life, I stopped searching for the right kind of woman and worked on becoming the right kind of man. Before that, I realized that all of the women I dated all had one thing in common. They were all holding onto the pains of past relationships-and many of them had not even had closure with their ex’s. These were women who were months, weeks, even sometimes days removed from relationships that had consumed as much the past six years of their lives, now looking for someone to complete them. It was amazing how every sista I met had just gotten out of a relationship or in some cases were in the process of dating several men at the same time when they met me. Many of today’s “good” brothas weren’t always a hot commodity. Many of us went about our love lives in relative obscurity from the vast majority of women…totally off their radars. But the strangest of things happen when we get older. Our taste in people begins to change, and sistas begin to tire of casual dating and look for men who represent marriage material. I believe that some of my best traits, many of the men from their past lacked. They could not understand that me having qualities that their ex lacked had nothing to do with the things they were lacking in them self. They could have been honest with themselves and adhered to the fact that they weren’t ready for a new relationship, but sometimes it’s our ego that knows that we’re not ready but selfishly will not allow that person to be with someone else who could be tailor made for them.
And so we allow ourselves to get involved with the wrong people, and it’s doomed from the very beginning. And then those who gave in to their own selfish desires, pose questions like “Why is a good man so hard to find?”
Someone once told me that Dating should be less about matching outward circumstances than meeting your inner necessity. Perhaps with the last few days of my 20’s winding down I find myself full of thought and reflecting on the various lessons I’ve learned. I write this Random Thought not because I’m some kind of love guru, but because relationships are something that all of us can relate to…something that all of us have experienced. It’s time for many of us to take time out from chasing love and work on ourselves to recognize the patterns going on about us. I challenge all men and women to make strides towards truly understanding yourself and understanding what you want from the opposite sex V.S what you need in order to be happy. What do you guys think?
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of sexy, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep…wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you… The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’” -Unknown
…These Are The Random Thoughts Of Ronald Gray…