Volume 31: If RON were President...

“A Presidents hardest task is not to do what is right, but to know what is right.”  

-Lyndon Baines Johnson


            Virtually everyone knows that the President of the United States is the head of state and head of government, and is the highest political official in the U.S by influence and recognition. Among other powers and responsibilities, Article II of the U.S constitution charges the president to “faithfully execute” federal law, makes him commander in chief of the armed forces, and enables him to grant pardons or reprieves. The president is the most powerful figure in the free world. Imagine what it would be like to have such power. What kinds of things would American citizens have to expect, and what laws would be implemented if Ron were president?


            If Ron were president, he would do away with all forms of Niggerdom. Why? Because they’re just plain ol’ stupid! I’m not calling it stupid because it’s prevalent among minorities. I’m calling it stupid because it’s stupid. “Niggerdom” is usually described in the urban community as of or relating to actions of African Americans. Personally? I define niggerdom as the actions of African Americans that make us look stupid and set us back about 500 years- regardless of how cool it’s perceived to be. Need an example?

            In 2008, Asanti, a company that makes and sells rims, created the most expensive rims in the world. They were 63,000 carats, made from cubic zirconium, and cost $250,000! I guess they wanted to outdo themselves in 2009, because at a recent auto show they displayed the new and improved Asanti rims. 22-inch rims with 110,000 carets of genuine gemstones-retailing for $1,000,000. These rims are probably custom made for Rappers, NBA and NFL players, who will be contributing to the ever-growing forms of niggerdom in the U.S. If I were President… any man or woman who took part in niggified activities by purchasing these, would be run over by the car that these were found on-and then have that car parallel park on their face!

            You know that female friend we all have-who has the $1,200 designer Gucci bag, with no money in it? And that male we all know-with the $350 Prada shoes, while his savings account boasts a negative balance? Under the Presidency of Ronald Gray, the perpetrators of these acts would be sent to work at the Third World country that these designer clothes are made at. Their spending habits and random displays of niggerosity are sure to be rectified once they’re subjected to the extreme conditions of poverty- working 14 hours days in the blistering heat on a sewing machine for  $2 an hour.

            If I were president, I would bring back the natural order of things; I would call things exactly as I see them. I was at a Burger King drive thru a few days ago, and surveyed the illustrations of the order menu. I laughed to myself at one of the options; a Triple Cheeseburger with bacon, affectionately named the Baconator. 

As President, I’d call shit how I see it. Imagine coming to your favorite fast food spot and a #3 was called “The Heart Attack Sandwich.” Triple Cheeseburgers would be known as “The Fat-ass Burger.” I laughed to myself at the thought of being in control of what consumers see and hear. We’ve all heard comedians tell jokes about overweight Americans who purchase super-stacked burgers with large fries, while making pathetic attempts to negate their lunches shaving years off their lives with a diet soda of their choice! Why even bother…

            We all know that people who are convicted of sex crimes must register with a Sex Offender’s List-a sex offender database and website that is accessible to the public, so that they know where these offenders reside. Imagine…If I were President, I’d create a law that stated that those who have contracted any type of STD would have to register on a similar site! I’d give the public access to know which men and woman were walking around with their diseased sexual organs in our neighborhoods! A conversation among friends could sound like this:

Ron: “Yo, what ever happened to that girl you were talkin’ to? I haven’t seen you with her in a while.”

David: “Yooooo….I checked that Sex Offender STD site…and her face came up!”

Ron: “Ohhhhh shit! Word?!?”

David: “Yes! She was charged with aggravated herpes back in 2006! “

Ron: “Yeah, man…you cant get rid of that shit!”

David: “Her ass is cut off! I’m doin’ a search in my neighborhood now…gotta know who’s living around you.”

Ron: “Yooo…remember that jawn I told you I just met the other day? Can you search her name for me?”

David: “I’ll get on it right now!”


Did I miss something? When did all the Ugly People in this country suddenly get so full of themselves and start walking around as if they were the winning contestants on a season of America’s Next Top Model?

            When did black women lose their ability to say “please” and “thank you?” They say chivalry is dead, but when did it become cool for a man to hold doors open for women, and have them walk right on through without saying “thank you?” I’m confused. Do I look like the bellhop at the Marriott? They just walk on by…with their stank-ass attitudes, as though I get paid to hold doors. Perhaps if the fellas start letting those heavy glass doors go in their faces…perhaps chivalry will once again be appreciated.

            As a U.S. President, I’d also devote my time and energy to saving Americans from such trending Atrocities like:


CELEBRITY SEX TAPES- nobody wants to see Paris Hilton sucking dick in a camcorder’s night vision option or Ray-J’s dick. Now we have Hoopz and Rihanna setting women back with their latest sloreish escapades.

THE NAPPY HEADED CELEB- Am I the only one who’s noticed Jay-Z’s hair as of late? Whether in the latest VIBE magazine article or courtside at a Cavs or Lakers game, one thing has been evident. Jay has been rockin’ a nappy ass head! Now ordinarily, I’d care less about what someone does with their hair and the lack of dignity it takes to go out publicly that way. But Jay-Z and Kanye West are trendsetters; people young and old wear what they endorse, and mimic their lifestyles. So…we witnessed the re-emergence of Mohawks on black kids and the creepy skinny jean movement. Will Kanye have black kids rockin’ shags? Will Jay-Z have men carrying themselves with the grooming of a field slave?

            If I were president and made the rules, only people with real jobs would be able to have BLACKBERRY PHONES. If you do not have a job where you need constant access to email, then you do not need a blackberry! If you don’t have an email address, or you check yours so little that your inbox always has at least 400 unread messages, your ass doesn’t need one! The local drug dealer does not need to have a blackberry! The cashier at Cold Stone Ice Cream shop does not need a blackberry. If you do not have a car…then you do not need Bluetooth wireless earpieces! The freshman in high school, hopping off the train, looks like a crazy man talking to himself with a Bluetooth earpiece in his ear. Stop it!


Totally random, but I hate DRUG DEALERS. I think that drug dealers, no matter how much money they make in their shortened life spans, are the dumbest individuals on the planet. I mean, everyone knows that drug dealers always wind up dead or in jailand yet they do it anyway! I mean…you’ve gotta be a true moron to be a drug dealer. A drug dealer’s mentality is like “Yo…fuck that. I ain’t gonna be sittin’ here bussin’ my ass for no $12 an hour! Imma make this money!” But they always get locked up…and then…they’re sitting in a maximum-security prison, working in the kitchen…for 40 cents an hour! If I were president, I would allow the arresting officer to beat their ass and just take the money! I mean, he didn’t earn it anyway…fuck em! LOL I guess I have an issue with people who are naive enough to think that you can just skate your way through this thing called life. How many people out there know retired drug dealers? How many drug dealers go “Well…I’ve been selling drugs for about 30 years now. I have plenty in my 401K saved up…perhaps it’s time for me to retire.” And then a bunch of other drug dealers get together and bring a cake over to the corner he works on and wishes him luck in his future endeavors. No. You either go to jail and come home penniless or you die! And yet, people are still so lazy and so hopeless that they still do it. (sigh)

            Among the ranks of the stupid are the parents of drug dealers. How the fuck do you have a teenage son selling drugs and you have no idea?!? He has no job, but yet he’s always dressed well, has a cell phone and drives a 2009 BMW 5 series! Wtf?!? And then once the cops cart their worthless children away in police cars during the walk of shame…they stare into the Channel 6 News cameras with the uneasy look on their faces and say “I never knew…he’s such a good boy. I had no idea. He gets good grades in school.” Sorry Mom and Dad…in order for Wakeem to get good grades, he has to GO to school first! (shaking my head)


…Thank God I’m not President…


…These are the Random Thoughts of Ronald Gray…



Volume 30: My Love/Hate Relationship with Philadelphia

“The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.”

-Alexander Jablokov


            Today I took a moment to think about the love/hate relationship that I have with Philadelphia. With the exception of my college years, I’ve spent my entire life here in the self-proclaimed City of Brotherly Love. Hailing from one of the nation’s largest cities has been a double-edged sword; there are many things that I am continually grateful for…and there are times where I’m left wondering, What If? Philadelphia is a very aggressive city, filled with aggressive people. The job market is scarce and if one works in the arts like myself, finding a great paying job here can be harder than finding a soul mate for the world’s fattest, ugliest woman. But there are times when I love the city that has given me my charismatic charm, my wit, and even at times my ability to be a sarcastic bastard. Just when I’m about to give up on Philly and run away to New York City, my hometown will find ways to give me reasons to stay and be proud…

            Two weeks ago, on virtually every news channel here in Philadelphia, there was an Amber Alert for a 9-year-old missing girl named Julia Rakoczy-who lived in Bucks County, a suburb right outside of Philly.  Her Mother is Bonnie Sweeten, a 38-year-old Mother of three.  

Bonnie Sweeten is facing charges of identity theft and of making a false report after her remarkable tale of survival. She claimed she and her daughter were kidnapped by two black men on Street Road (a very busy street) and forced into the truck of their Cadillac. Allegedly, Sweeten used her cell phone to call 9-1-1 from the trunk of the car. Funny how my Blackberry won’t work in an elevator for me, but a white lady from the suburbs can make a call from inside the trunk of a Cadillac. Problem is…when the dispatcher traced the calls, they were coming from towers in Center City, Philadelphia and not from Bucks County like she claimed. After 29 hours of searching for these allegedly kidnapped people, they were spotted. But they weren’t spotted in Philadelphia. The Mother took her own child and went to Orlando. They were caught at Disney Land, where the Mother was arrested and charged with several offenses, including identity theft-which she stole a coworker’s license and $12,000 in cash to head to Orlando.

            I’m personally tired of the “A scary Black Man did it” ploy. I was actually shocked that all she was charged with was a misdemeanor. Damn it must be good to be white! Shit, a black Soccer Mom woulda been getting 8 years for that shit. I am coming to grips with the fact that SOMEONE LIKE ME SHOULD NEVER BE A JUDGE-Why? Because I think punishment should be tailor made to fit the crime…in order to better punish someone. In this case, since she wants to commit a crime and blame it on black folk, I think that she needs to go to jail and her cellmates should be some real-life scary black people from Philadelphia!

I can see it now; Lock her ass up with Jarmeena, Shaquanda and Raineesha. 3 times a week, force her cellmates to watch all the volumes of Roots, followed by Rosewood and Amistad, then allow her back into the cell with them. Let her know what it’s like to be around some REAL NIGGAS, and not some make believe racial stigma from BET or the local News reports.

            Last week, Philadelphia had one of the most disturbing media stories that I had ever heard in a long time.  An 11-year-old girl and her sister had been walking in Philadelphia’s infamous Kensington section, on their way to their respective schools, when a man began to walk beside them. Around 8:20 a.m., the girl escorted her sister to her day care. The man tried to follow them inside, but was turned away from a staff member. Afterwards, the 11-year-old girl began her walk to her middle school. The man approached her again, and threatened to shoot her if she did not walk with him. He forced her to walk about six blocks to the back of a house on Westmoreland Street, where he repeatedly raped her for over an hour. She was found bleeding and crying a few blocks away by a pedestrian.

            The rape was so ferocious, that she required several surgeries. The News of this attack spread all over the city. The attacker was described as a light-skinned Hispanic man in his 20’s, about 5-foot-8 with a thin build, black hair and some facial hair. A police sketch of the man was released and the city was on a frantic manhunt to find this idiot.

            I thought about the family of the victim, as the father was interviewed by several news cameras. His voice quivered with rage, as he struggled to fight back tears. The news reporters continually described the attacker as a “Monster” and a “sick Man.” I wondered to myself if a man disturbed enough to rape an 11-year-old could ever truly be normal. Could a lengthy prison term rehabilitate his desires to prey on a young girl-a girl who doesn’t even have a developed body yet? I thought about this city and the “Stop Snitching” Mantra. After years of watching hundreds of crimes go unsolved, I figured this is Philadelphia. That bastard is somewhere sitting in the house, playing Playstation with his boys, and eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. No one seems to give a shit about other people here.

            As soon as I began to question the integrity of the community, I saw a Developing Story flash across the TV. It was a surveillance video of the beating of a rape person caught of tape. It showed a latino man walking down the street, when out of nowhere, residents ran up behind him and began to beat him with wooden sticks, their fists and their feet. Moments later, a dozen or so people showed up and were kickin’ and stompin the living shit out of him.


The victim was identified as Jose Carrasquillo,26, who was beat for several minutes and was beaten so bad that he was actually in critical condition and ironically required several surgeries to save him…just like the little girl he raped. I thought about those West Kensington residents who were beating his ass like a runaway slave…and perhaps the sadistic side of me that laughed out loud and said, “Now that’s the Philadelphia that I know.

Vigilante Justice! Am I sick in finding satisfaction-and humor- in a rape suspect having his ass beat down in the streets? The News replayed the video as I stared intently, grinning from ear to ear. The tape showed him being attacked and then chased by 3 people; one of them was hitting him with something that looked like a bat or just a big ass stick! As they chase him, a crowd gathers. A Police Officer shows up…probably laughing his ass off, and the video cuts off.  No charges were filed against the neighbors. (laughing)




            Just when I begin to lose home in this city…just when the reputation of the city is best known as one of random violence, murder and ignorance…residents will show that they do indeed have a heart. Granted, their display of unity and concern came in an act of random violence…but it showed that there are things that my hometown will not stand for. There are times where we witness that you can actually take the law into your own hands. I wonder sometimes why we as Philadelphians can’t band together and beat down drug dealers on their respective corners, Roll on Murderers while they play the “let out” at a club, or Kick the shit out of thieves in the local mall as they shop. I doubt that these recent acts will create a desire for the community to step up, but I guess it’s a start. 2009 looks like it’s gonna be a hot summer, and if you know anything about The City Of Brotherly Love…it’ll be a very violent one. Hopefully when it’s all said and done, I will still have a desire to stay-unless New York makes me an offer I cant refuse. Yep…I’ve got a serious love/hate relationship with this city.



“This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.” –Plato


…These Are The Random Thoughts Of Ronald Gray…